Do Not Enter
Stand your ground.
Those neighborhood kids just won't stop cutting through your yard, and your garden gnomes aren't doing a damn thing to stop them. What you need is a tougher lawn ornament. Keep-Off Geoff is a lawn statue that tells the neighbors that they are not welcome on your property. Kids, dogs, that asshole next door who always wants to borrow your tools, they can all go straight to hell, and this is the statue to let them know how you feel.
Keep-Off Geoff Lawn Statue
$8,999.00
Guzzle that Gas
A penny saved is a penny earned
We all love driving, but it's just so darn expensive these days! It was hard enough telling the kids you didn't have any money for Christmas presents after you spent eighty-five grand on that new four-door pickup, and now gas prices are going through the roof, too. What are you supposed to do, buy a more efficient car? Ride a bike??? I thought this was America! You've got a God-given right to chug down the road in a truck the size of a Panzer, just like the founding fathers intended.
Fortunately, there is a solution to your financial woes: the Fuelsaver Siphon System from Nifty Thrifty™. What seems at first glance like a simple rubber hose is actually a high-tech marvel of hydrodynamic science, providing good honest drivers like you with an unlimited supply of gas, for ABSOLUTELY FREE! You heard me right; you'll never wait in line at the gas station again, only to be gouged by those vultures when you try to fill up your 28-gallon tank. It turns out there's gas everywhere, just waiting for you to take it. All you needed was the right tool to harvest this abundant natural resource, and now it's yours, thanks to the technological geniuses at Nifty Thrifty™. Happy trails!
Fuelsaver Siphon System
$5.99
Dress for Success
Don’t let the bedbugs bite!
Yaaaawn. Another long day at the office. You just got back from lunch, and you're about to go into a food coma. What you need is a good old-fashioned power nap, but how are you supposed to sleep in those uncomfortable clothes you're wearing? You'd love to come to work in sweatpants and a comfy old t-shirt, but your boss isn't too impressed with you as it is, and the last thing you need is another one of his doleful stares and long-suffering sighs. You get enough of that from your wife. But for once you're in luck, because the age of stuffy over-starched business suits is over, and the age of comfort has begun, thanks to the Sleepyman Pajama Suit, from Fire Attire™.
The Sleepyman Pajama Suit is a real 2-piece suit made of the coziest pajama-grade cotton on the market, so you'll be following the letter of the law in your company's official dress code. And as soon as that task-master boss steps out for a meeting, you'll be off to dreamland, swaddled in a suit that's as soft as a cloud.
And the Sleepyman Pajama Suit isn't just for work. Once you fall in love with this suit, you'll find a hundred-and-one occasions to wear it, from church services to school plays to obligatory family weddings. Suit up, and get ready to enjoy the best sleep of your life. Just don't forget to set an alarm!
Sleepyman Pajama Suit
$39.99 - $59.99 (varies by size)
Age Gracefully through Science
We’ve got a bone to pick with Father Time
Collagen. The secret ingredient of youth and beauty. The very stuff of life itself. And yet, with each year that passes, you have less and less, as you watch your once flawless skin sag and crease, worn down by the relentless sands of time. You've tried supplements. You've even choked down cup after cup of bone broth, but it's still not enough. That precious collagen, you'd do anything to get it back. Well, there's finally a solution. The next stage in anti-aging medical technology is here, and we're proud to present Bone, from Larry's Butcher Shop™.
The greatest medical minds at Larry's spent years painstakingly combing through the latest scientific literature, and have put their expertise to work, developing Bone as the ultimate collagen delivery system. Just gnaw on Bone for ten minutes a day, and you'll notice smoother skin, fuller lips, shinier hair, and healthier nails, just to name a few of the remarkable benefits of this astounding technology.
If you want to be on the bleeding edge of anti-aging science, look no further than Larry's Butcher Shop. They're also having a sale on pastrami next week.
Bone
$2.99 / lb
This Retriever’s Got a Nose for Money
Seriously, don’t tell the IRS
We got Buddy last year as an office pet to cheer people up after a round of layoffs. Much to our surprise, we found he wanders off for a few hours every day, then comes back holding a wad of cash in his mouth. It's always a different amount, but it's never been less than a hundred bucks. Damned if we know where he's getting it. This dog is fast, and slippery as an fish, so all our attempts to follow him have come to naught.
Is he doing some kind of paid work? Is he stealing it? Or is the explanation something darker, something we can't even imagine? Anyway, Buddy's made us a real bundle, but the IRS is getting suspicious, and we've got enough legal problems as it is, so we need to get rid of him fast. Don't worry about payment; that'll only make our IRS issues worse. Just come and pick him up, preferably after dark, and don't tell anyone where you got him.
Buddy the Cash Dog
Free to a Discreet Home
Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys
Shit, where’d I put that bolo tie?
She begged you not to wear that thing at the wedding, but dammit, this is your special day too, and if you want to be a cowboy, then you're going to be a cowboy! Crafted from the finest soft-felt by our rootin'est, tootin'est haberdashers, this hat will make sure nobody's looking at your attention-seeking bride while you're getting "hitched." Start your marriage on the right foot by showing her you can't be reasoned with.
Formal Cowboy Wedding Hat
$79.95
Silence is Golden
Cut the Chatter
You did it again. You couldn't resist shooting your mouth off, and now you're in hot water for the umpteenth time. Why do you always do this to yourself? Why can't you just keep your damn yap shut? Friend, it sounds like you need the Silencer, from Swedish cybernetics developer Smorgas-Borg™. The Silencer is the only technologically fool-proof way to permanently keep your foot out of your mouth.
Just drop by your local Smorgas-Borg™ Installation Center, and a team of qualified mechanics will perform all the necessary measurements and adjustments. They'll slip the comfortable, and surprisingly light-weight device to your head, tighten the muffle clamps, and lock it all in place with the specialized security key. Then your life of peace and quiet will begin! No more alienating friends with your brash opinions and belittling comments. No more lost jobs due to off-color jokes or inflammatory political statements. Hell, your sister might even let you start coming over for Christmas again, who knows?
And as an added bonus, the Silencer makes cutting calories a breeze, since from now on you'll only be able to ingest liquids. But never fear; Smorgas-Borg™ has you covered on that front, too, since every purchase of the Silencer comes with a year's supply of low-viscosity nutritional slurry, which provides all your body's dietary needs in one convenient fluid that can easily be sucked through the Silencer's mouth grate. With a trim new physique and a total absence of embarrassing faux pas, you'll be the most popular guy or gal in town.
The Silencer
$149.95 (does not include installation fees)
Sneak a Peek
Brush up on the classics
In the over-sexed modern world, it's easy to feel like you've seen it all. With constant exposure to erotic advertisements, movies full of nudity, and social media, to say nothing of free online pornography, nobody could blame you for feeling burned out on this whole "sex" thing. If only there was something new, or maybe something very old... You always did like history. People in ancient times knew what they were doing. Real, classical romance, without all this tasteless nonsense you see everywhere nowadays. Now that's something you'd like to get an eyeful of.
Well, your wish has been granted, thanks to the latest technology from BigTime™, the Chrono Voyeur Goggles. Using recent advances in theoretical quantum physics, the boys in the lab have created a pair of goggles that allow the wearer to see through a tear in the very fabric of time and space, back to the sexiest moments in human history. Leave all that crass internet weirdness behind as you feast your eyes on the sensual private lives of ancient lovers from around the world. You'll never look at the History Channel the same way again.
Chrono Voyeur Goggles
$199.95
A Thrill for your Kitty
Captain Ne-meow
Send Mittens on the adventure of nine lifetimes, twenty-thousand leagues under the sea with the Sub-purr-sible from Lost Claws™. Your little furball will be pawsitively thrilled to get an up-close look at the majesty of the deep blue sea. Remote-controlled and equipped with a 1080p high-definition camera so that you'll feel like you're right there with your feline friend down in Davy Jones' locker. With an expertly-engineered air tank providing over fifteen minutes of oxygen, your kitty can breathe easy as he or she wonders at the splendor of Poseidon's bounty. Order today, before this deal goes out with the tide!
Sub-purr-sible
$1,499.99
Give Your Snoot the Boot
Never stick your nose out again
Since the dawn of time, we've always known that the nose is the ugliest part of the human face. Everything else is great: the eyes, the lips, the chin, the hair. But that nose. That bulging, snorting, snot-dripping nose, right in the middle of your otherwise lovely face. We've all wished we were born without a nose, but now you have the power to correct God's stupidest mistake. We're proud to introduce the world's first Nose Removal Therapy, from Narcissus Beauty™.
All it takes is a single visit to one of the hundreds of Narcissus clinics nationwide, and you can say goodbye to that hog snout that's been ruining your life all these years. They'll strap you to a gurney, pump you full of night-night juice, and when you wake up, you'll be 100% nose free! How they do it is a trade secret (they won't even tell us!) but the results speak for themselves. The brilliant minds at Narcissus have a real nose for business, but only figuratively, since they've all had their own noses removed.
Book an appointment at your local clinic today, and begin enjoying a new life that's nothing to sniff at.
Nose Removal Therapy
$299.99