A Tall Order

Good things come to those who wait

Seems like everything you have is always second-rate. Your job, your clothes, your car, your house. You can see the disdain in your neighbors' eyes every time they see you mowing your weed-infested lawn with that cheapo lawnmower that's always breaking down. Just one time, you'd like to show those stuck-up bastards that you can be number one! But how? You don't have luck, you don't have talent, and you sure as hell don't have money. But what about....patience? If you have patience, then maybe you can be the best on your block, or even in the whole city. All you need is time, and a giant redwood sapling from Green Thumb Aplomb™.

It only takes fifteen minutes to plant this little guy, and then all you need is the patience to wait. Even the least impressive among us can have patience; it's literally just doing nothing for a long time. You've been doing that all your life. As the days turn to months, the months to years, and the years to decades, your sapling will stretch its limbs to the sky, growing and growing until it's the biggest, and therefore best, tree on your street, in your town, and finally, in the whole state!

People will come from miles around to marvel at the hulking behemoth in your modest little yard. The neighbors will be irate, worrying that the goliath will one day fall and crush them all. But by then it'll be far too late to remove it. Besides, you'll know they're only jealous. All their petty little achievements are dust in the wind, but your mighty redwood will stand for thousands of years, unless it falls and crushes everyone, of course. But if it doesn't, then this monument to your greatness will remain long after your neighbors' money and career success have been lost to the mists of time. Look upon my tree, ye mighty, and despair!

Giant Redwood Sapling

$29.95