One Happy Camper
Don’t forget to pack!
Camping has come a long way since the days of backpacks and pup tents. There was a time when enjoying nature's majesty meant nights shivering under a leaky piece of canvas, but thankfully camping has become more civilized these days. For decades, the RV has given generations of campers the ability to enjoy the great outdoors from a comfortably indoor setting, bringing an entire furnished house into the woods in place of the humble tent. There was just one problem- it was so small!
Sure, an RV may have been a step in the right direction, but now it's time for the next step: the Mansioneer Luxury RV from Autocrat™. Forget cramped, old-fashioned RVs; the Mansioneer gives you the elbow room you deserve with a full kitchen, master bedroom, movie theater, billiard room, and much more! You'll enjoy the Mansioneer's luxurious accommodations so much, you might forget to go outside!
So before you plan your next excursion into the wild, buy your family your very own Mansioneer. It's the next best thing to staying home!
Mansioneer Luxury RV
$849,000.00
Win the ADD Arms Race
You’ll give them something to cry about
Are those kids ignoring you again? You swear, ever time you open your mouth, their eyes gloss over and they start daydreaming about TikTok dances or something. And the worst part is, you can't even give them a proper lecture about ignoring your lectures without them ignoring that lecture too! Kids attention spans are shorter than ever before, and if you want them to pay attention to you for more than two seconds, you're going to have to become more competitive.
That's why you need the Punitive Puppet Mask, the only parenting mask on the market guaranteed to fire up the dopamine system in your kids' brains. The next time you want to give those kids a piece of your mind about slamming the door or leaving the lights on, slip on the Punitive Puppet Mask first, and your little tykes will feel like they're being yelled at by their favorite children's entertainment character. Don't worry about signs of fear or emotional distress; that just means it's working! Just keep this adorable mask close at hand, and you'll never be ignored again.
Punitive Puppet Mask
$29.95
Space-Saver Steed
Everything you need, nothing you don’t
Horses are great. They're beautiful, majestic, and a loyal companion through thick and thin. But there's just one problem: they're too dang long. For thousands of years, mankind has struggled to cope with the absurd length of this animal, even going so far as to construct enormous horse-houses, or "barns" to contain the unwieldy beasts.
We're happy to report that the night"mare" is finally over, thanks to the brilliant genetic engineers at Splice & Dice™, who have created the world's first two-legged horse! Even a one-bedroom apartment has enough space for this pocket-sized palomino, which takes up no more room than an ordinary person. It eats half the food, makes half the mess, and still offers all the joy of horse ownership. You can even ride it, if you're not too heavy and your sense of balance is pretty good. And when it's time to hit the road, you can forget the horse-trailer; just buckle it into the passenger seat of your car.
We don't want to nag you, but supplies are limited, so buy now, before this offer rides off into the sunset.
Two-Legged Horse
$2.999.99
It’s the End of the World as We Know It
Get ready to bug out
The big one's coming. Our modern civilization is nothing but a house of cards, and it would only take one little push to make the whole thing crumble. It could be a pandemic, nuclear war, super volcano, or one of a hundred other things, but it's only a matter of time. And when the lights go out and the stores are picked bare, who can you rely on? The government? The police? The kindness of strangers? Don't make me laugh. A man can only trust himself in this world, and that's why you need to be prepared for anything.
But where will you go when the end comes? Your house would never hold against a ravening mob of starving crazies. You need someplace secure, secret and impregnable. You need the Bunker Buddy from Prep Time™. These prefabricated shelters were built by the thousands during the Cold War, and now they're just gathering dust. We'll ship a Bunker Buddy to any location of your choice: a clearing in the woods, the middle of the desert, or even your own backyard. Just dig the hole, we'll do the rest. Then you can finally feel safe knowing that after the fall, you'll have a safe place to hunker down for months, years, or even the rest of your life!
These four solid walls will become your world, and you'll be nice and cozy in your underground burrow long after everyone has forgotten you ever existed. Just stock up and non-perishables, and don't forget the can opener!
Bunker Buddy
$2,999.95
Do You Have the Guts?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Doctors and internet biohackers agree, the gut microbiome is a crucial keystone of health and wellness. But those probiotic pills are awfully expensive, and they only have a few bacteria strains in them. That's why you need the Probiotic Leftovers, from StoreMonger's very own office break room!
This thing's been taking up space in the shared fridge for as long as anybody can remember, and no one will admit to having brought it in. Tim hasn't worked here in a while; maybe it was his. Still, seems a waste to just throw it out, so why don't you take it? We guarantee this thing is positively swimming with all the bacteria you need to cultivate the most diverse gut biome around. Who knows what benefits you might see after gulping down a few spoonfuls of this stuff?
You can have it for a buck, and you can even reuse the container afterwards, so it's the deal of a lifetime!
Probiotic Leftovers
$1.00
Self-Skating Board
Trust the Machine
The AI revolution in here, and self-driving cars are the wave of the future. But why should drivers have all the fun, while gnarly skateboarders like you are left behind in the stone age? Never fear, my dude, because the sickest machine learning engineers at your favorite board shop, Daily Grind™, have just released the world's first self-driving skateboard, the Auto-Thrasher.
Just hop on and let the board do the rest, as you cruise through the city at the whims of a electronic mind you could never comprehend. You'd better get stoked, because you're about to experience more thrashing, grinding, and shredding than you've ever seen in your life.
Auto-Thrasher self-driving skateboard
$349.99
Eat Your Heart Out
Throw-away Culture
Ugh, it's happened again. You put on your designer outfit and drove to your high-powered job in your luxury automobile, but now it's time for lunch, and you find yourself eating with a plastic fork like some dirt-grubbing peasant. What does one have to do to enjoy a little elegance in at lunchtime?
The answer, Sir or Madam, is the Disposable Dignity Fork, the only single-use fork on the market made from the finest sterling silver. Rise above the common rabble with a disposable fork that exemplifies the epitome of luxury, class, and good taste. Let the hoi polloi stare enviously as you enjoy your meal, and once you've disposed of the refuse, try not to laugh as they dig through the trash to retrieve your used cutlery to bring back to their hovels, like a rat collecting shiny bottle caps. The usual penny-pinching crowd will decry the cost of your disposables, but you understand something they never will: that you can't put a price on superiority.
Disposable Dignity Fork
Price - If you need to ask, this isn't for you.
A Tall Order
Good things come to those who wait
Seems like everything you have is always second-rate. Your job, your clothes, your car, your house. You can see the disdain in your neighbors' eyes every time they see you mowing your weed-infested lawn with that cheapo lawnmower that's always breaking down. Just one time, you'd like to show those stuck-up bastards that you can be number one! But how? You don't have luck, you don't have talent, and you sure as hell don't have money. But what about....patience? If you have patience, then maybe you can be the best on your block, or even in the whole city. All you need is time, and a giant redwood sapling from Green Thumb Aplomb™.
It only takes fifteen minutes to plant this little guy, and then all you need is the patience to wait. Even the least impressive among us can have patience; it's literally just doing nothing for a long time. You've been doing that all your life. As the days turn to months, the months to years, and the years to decades, your sapling will stretch its limbs to the sky, growing and growing until it's the biggest, and therefore best, tree on your street, in your town, and finally, in the whole state!
People will come from miles around to marvel at the hulking behemoth in your modest little yard. The neighbors will be irate, worrying that the goliath will one day fall and crush them all. But by then it'll be far too late to remove it. Besides, you'll know they're only jealous. All their petty little achievements are dust in the wind, but your mighty redwood will stand for thousands of years, unless it falls and crushes everyone, of course. But if it doesn't, then this monument to your greatness will remain long after your neighbors' money and career success have been lost to the mists of time. Look upon my tree, ye mighty, and despair!
Giant Redwood Sapling
$29.95
For the Antiquarian Who Has it All
Forsooth!
I bet you thought we stopped making these things years ago, didn't you? Well think again, buddy, because business is still booming! Granted, it's been a struggle getting the licensing rights to currently popular characters or celebrities, but don't worry about us; we've got plenty of ideas!
Case in point, the Æthelred the Unready Chia Head is a gift that's guaranteed to bring a smile to the face of your friend who's got it all, and don't forget to buy one for yourself while you're at it! Shaped from all-natural terracotta, this bust of everyone's favorite tenth-to-eleventh-century king is such an uncanny likeness, you'll swear His Majesty is right there in the room with you, except only his head of course.
Gather the whole family as you sprinkle Æthelred's hairless dome with chia seeds, water, and then wait around for a week or two for the seeds to germinate. The kids will be delighted as this ill-advised monarch's head blooms with countless tiny green plants, creating the appearance of some kind of weird green hair or something. It's not like they had cameras back then, so maybe this is what Æthelred's hair really looked like. Who are you to say it didn't?
Æthelred the Unready Chia Head
$26.95
Get Right with the Lord
One set of hoofprints in the sand
You've always given props to the big man upstairs, but lately it's been feeling like a one-sided relationship. You go to church, you say your prayers, but you never seem to get what you want. That promotion at work, that hot girl you like, hell, Jesus didn't even make your team win the Super Bowl last year. Looks like you've been betting on a losing horse, and it's time to pick a winner.
There are plenty of religions in the world, but most of them boil down to a bunch of work and sacrifice from you without much to show for it. But there's one big exception, and that's Xultharinox the Abominator. Unlike those stuffy gods who never show up when you need them, Xultharinox is a god of the people, who you can count on to come through when the chips are down. All you need (at the moment) is an amulet depicting the noble visage of our Lord of Shadows, provided by the good acolytes at Diabolix™. Xultharinox might call on you to do him a little favor to two down the road, but that's nothing to worry about right now. Just wear the amulet every day, and you'll notice everything in your life seems to be working out.
Barry at work who's been gunning for the same promotion as you might have an unfortunate little accident. Angela thinks she can do better than you, but maybe she's about to catch her perfect boyfriend in bed with her sister. And who knows, the other team in the next big football game might come down with a sudden case of weeping sores all over their bodies. Stranger things have happened.
And the best thing is, the Amulet of Xultharinox is ABSOLUTELY FREE. That's right; it won't cost you a penny, just keep an open mind someday when our Lord calls upon you to enact his will upon this feeble world. Until then, put your feet up my friend, and let Xultharinox take the wheel!
Amulet of Xultharinox
Free